


i can't let you go (just yet)

by cherryladi



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, One Shot, Sad Ending, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, mentioned joyri, okay really don't know now, sooyoung's that one friend, yerim is legit mentioned in one line i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 06:44:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14889605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryladi/pseuds/cherryladi
Summary: Do I hate you or do I love you? I hate you with the passion of a thousand burning suns and in the next moment, I love you with that same passion, matched to the exact degree. Please don’t do anything more, Joohyun, I know myself that I will be trapped within you again.





	i can't let you go (just yet)

Love is a cruel concept. The kind that makes you feel the most unbearable pain yet also makes you feel invincible - in an eternal state of euphoria. It makes you the best version of yourself, or maybe, forces you to become better by pushing you right into the path of someone you happen to care about. It confuses you, plays tricks on you, and hurts you. It causes you to take more risks; therefore, also giving you more opportunities and experiences. Love isn’t always a bad thing; reference those fairytale endings that you used to fall asleep to.

There should always be a happy ending. The universe isn’t that wicked, right?

**xxx**

From her bedroom window, Seulgi watched as the rain fell and soaked the entire world. The trees of the stormy summer evening were drooping and the ground was abounding in muddy puddles. The sky and clouds had transformed to a blustery and murky backdrop, leaving no room for any form of light to peek through its thick, depressing cloak. The innumerable gusts of wind were silent, but not without wreaking havoc in its wake. She laid her head on the window sill, scanning her environment with a meticulous attention to detail. Seulgi let out a soft sigh as she closed her eyes and imagined what life would’ve been like if things hadn’t gone  _ so  _ terribly wrong with Joohyun.

Every sweet moment, all that happened, were left as wounds in her heart, a burden, even, that she had to carry with her.

Seulgi checked her phone, waiting to see a response text from someone of her not-so-distant past. She hoped this one last promise wouldn’t be broken.

**xxx**

**6 Months Ago**

_ Seulgi cleaned the dishes and wiped the last of the cups that came with having a job as a late-night waitress at a twenty-four-hour diner. She glanced at her watch and breathed a groan; it was one in the morning. No one would be coming in at this hour. But her manager put her on this shift anyway as he reasoned that ‘it’s not called a twenty-four-hour diner just for the sake of it.’ Seulgi was reluctant but finally relented when her manager promised to give her a raise. _

_ The glass cups squeaked as she scrubbed them thoroughly and placed them down. _

_ She felt like she had worked enough for the night and grabbed her purse and jacket. Just as she was headed to the backdoor exit of the diner, she heard the familiar ding of the front entrance door being opened. _

_ Seulgi clicked her tongue. Of course, she’d have to go back and serve that damned customer.  _

_ Going back inside, she pulled off her jacket and threw down her purse in the kitchen of the diner. Seulgi ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to straighten out the frizzy curls after sweating so much from the heating system. _

_ She entered the main dining area where she was greeted with the sight of a smaller girl, long dark locks cascading down her small and slender figure. The bridge of her nose was adorned with reading glasses and it was stuck in some sort of book. Seulgi cleared her throat to get the attention of the smaller girl and her head jolted right up at the sudden interruption of the silence. _

_ “Oh, sorry,” she quickly shut her book, “for coming at this late hour.” she neatly tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and glasses. _

_ Seulgi tried to get a word out of her unexpectedly dry throat. She swallowed hard.  _

Wow,  _ she thought,  _ she’s so gorgeous. 

_ She mentally smacked herself.  _ Shut up, Seulgi.

_ “N-no worries,” she finally got out, “It’s not like you came at a busy time or anything.” Seulgi leaned on the counter, “Could I get you anything?” _

_ “A coffee would be nice, thank you.” _

_ Seulgi rushed into the kitchen after the smaller girl finished her request. A minute later, she came out with a steaming cup of black coffee with some cream and sugar packets on the side in case the girl wanted to make it as sweet as her voice. _

_ Seulgi gently set it down in front of her, with the girl’s nose once again buried inside a book. She tapped one of the pages that the girl seemed to be reading. The action got her attention and Seulgi gestured to the coffee. _

_ “Thank you,” the girl pulled the coffee closer to her and took out the cream and sugar packets. She took a long sip from it and placed it down, resuming her reading. _

_ “So… what’re are you reading? Seems like you’re enjoying it.” Seulgi said ignorantly. _

_ She frowned, “I’m not particularly enjoying it, no.” She lifted up the cover and Seulgi saw it was actually a textbook on literature. “Finals are coming up and I haven’t studied at all. The cons of coming back and working on a Masters.” _

_ Seulgi’s mouth formed an ‘o’ as the girl went back to reading. She remembered college: the small dorms, the strict professors, and the lethargic students just hoping to pass their exams. That type of atmosphere didn’t really suit her - hence, the reason she dropped out. It may not have been the most intelligent idea at the time, but at least she now has a stable job with consistent pay. _

_ “Um,” Seulgi said trying to cut the awkward silence, “Late-night cramming isn’t very effective. You should just calm down and let the information seep into your brain gradually.” _

_ “I could do that,” The girl eyed her questioningly, “But  _ why  _ would I do that?” _

_ Seulgi scratched her head, “Well from my experience, I’m just recommending it because I’ve been through all those finals and exams already. I’m not forcing you or anything. But you could at least try.” _

_ The girl’s frown turned into a small smile that Seulgi was not expecting. “Sure. Why not, right? But if I fail my finals,” she poked Seulgi on the arm, “I’m blaming it on you.” _

_ “I’ll happily take the blame,” she grinned. _

_ “Kang Seulgi, by the way.” she reached her hand out for her to shake. _

_ The girl returned it happily. “Bae Joohyun.”  _

**xxx**

**3 Weeks Later**

_ The weeks following her encounter with Joohyun quickly resulted in her becoming one of Seulgi’s late-night regulars. She had passed her finals with flying colors with the help of Seulgi and her advice. On one of these nights where Joohyun hadn’t anything to do but just visit Seulgi, the two would talk for hours until the sun peaked from the horizon - the beginning of another morning. Joohyun would then have to leave because of school and Seulgi would go back to her own apartment for some sleep, then go back to the diner for her shift. This unofficial arrangement worked for Seulgi, though - she didn’t mind having to stay up later than usual to see Joohyun. _

_ The ding of the door signaled a new customer as Joohyun shuffled her way in. She held a stack of paper with both hands and a backpack full of books was slung over one shoulder. Her hair was in a messy bun and she looked like she was going bare-faced for the evening, not having even a little speck of makeup on her perfect features. The bags under her eyes were very apparent and deep, and her eyes themselves seemed bloodshot, even from a distance. As she struggled to make her way to the counter, Seulgi rushed to her aid and took the backpack from her, easing her large load a bit. _

_ “Whoa, careful there!” Seulgi said as Joohyun stumbled because of the loose shoelaces of her worn out sneakers. _

_ “Relax, I’m fine.” She croaked out. Her hoarse voice surprised Seulgi. It contrasted with her normal sweet tone. “Just gotta tie my sneakers.” _

_ Seulgi placed her backpack down on one of the bar stools and bent down to Joohyun’s feet. She carefully took the shoelaces and double-knotted them for her. Once she finished, she stood up to face Joohyun. _

_ “You didn’t have to that,” Joohyun said softly. _

_ “But I did anyway.” Seulgi casually replied. _

_ Joohyun let out a light chuckle and situated herself on one of the stools. “Will you bring me my regular, please?” She coughed out the last syllable. _

_ “Coffee? With your throat in such a terrible condition? You wish - I’m bringing you a gallon of water.” Seulgi waved off any of Joohyun’s incoming claims as she came back with a glass of warm water with a little squeeze of lemon to help with her sore throat. _

_ “Thanks,” Joohyun grumbled. She gulped down the water a little too quickly and was left a coughing mess, choking on excess water. _

_ Seulgi scrambled to Joohyun’s side and rubbed her back while the older girl was still in a coughing fit. After it subsided, her hand still lingered on Joohyun’s back reassuringly. _

_ “Damn Hyun, I haven’t seen you in five days and you come back like this? Remind me next time to never let you out of my sight.” _

_ “I haven’t had much sleep the past few days. One or two hours at most,” she admitted, “I even fell asleep during class.” she sighed, “Naturally, I procrastinated on a project I had the whole semester to work on and it’s due tomorrow. So, my days have been filled with work and even more procrastination.” _

_ “If I were to chip in my two cents… I believe that’s not the smartest plan.” Seulgi joked. _

_ Joohyun lightly smacked her on the arm, “I’m serious, Seul.” _

_ “Sorry, sorry.” Seulgi apologized. _

When did she give me a nickname?  _ she wondered,  _ Not complaining, though.

“ _ What do you want me to do about it? I’d love to help but I have no idea what your project is on and even if I did, I doubt I’d be of much use.” Seulgi frowned. _

_ Joohyun pushed her glasses farther up the bridge of her nose. “Well…” she hesitated. _

_ “Yeah?” Seulgi turned her full attention to her. _

_ “Just stay here? Please?” Joohyun begged with a small pout forming on her red lips. _

_ Seulgi would’ve refused if it had been someone else. Hell, she should’ve refused - but at that moment, she didn’t know how in her right mind she had been able to accept. This was only the beginning of countless other sleepless nights. _

_ (It could’ve been that Seulgi hadn’t known how connected that she already become to Joohyun. She didn’t realize what she was getting herself into.) _

**xxx**

_ The next day, she woke up with her muscles aching, chills spreading through her body that was wishing for warmth, a parched throat, and a temperature which felt unusually hot. She made a move to get up from her sitting position in the booth that she had fallen asleep on but was blocked by an arm that was loosely slung around her neck. She turned around, careful not to awake the sleeping form beside her, and smiled. Joohyun looked so peaceful that Seulgi didn’t want to disturb her, but right as that thought ran into her mind, Joohyun’s head flung forward and almost fell onto the cold table of the booth, if not for Seulgi grabbing her instantaneously, placing her head on Seulgi’s shoulder. That was enough for Joohyun to wake up, releasing a small cough as she slowly opened her eyes. _

_ Joohyun hummed softly against the sensitive bare skin of Seulgi’s neck, “Oh, hello there.” Seulgi shivered at her hot breath and she just hoped that Joohyun wouldn’t notice. _

_ “Hello yourself,” Seulgi steadily replied. She stretched her neck, groaning at the numerous cracks that it had elicited. _

_ “What time is it?” Joohyun yawned. _

_ Seulgi took out her phone to check, “It’s 8:50 as of right now.” With that Joohyun’s eyes popped open, widening so much that Seulgi could swear she could see every little speck of discoloration in her irises. Joohyun clumsily climbed over Seulgi and out of the small booth, where she collected all her papers and books which were scattered on the table and stuffed them into her backpack. _

_ “Whoa, calm down, there’s no need to rush,” Seulgi muttered. Joohyun quickly faced her with a panicked expression plastered on her face. _

_ “Yes, there is definitely a need to rush, Seulgi! Class starts at 9 and I have 10 minutes to get there!” Joohyun waved her arms around wildly. “Damn, did I even finish the project?” She unzipped the backpack and rummaged through the contents. _

_ “No worries,” Seulgi said casually. _

_ Joohyun’s head snapped up with a look that said ‘I swear to God, I will murder you right here and right now.’ _

_ Seulgi stuttered out, “N-no! I’m - wait, no, that came out wrong - I finished it for you.” _

_ The look she was sporting a few seconds ago quickly changed into confusion to disbelief and shock. “H-how?!” She questioned. _

_ “Ouch, my pride!” Seulgi feigned hurt, “I know some stuff myself, I’m not that useless.” _

_ “B-but -” _

_ “Hyun, just shush and get to class! 8 minutes now!” Seulgi raised an eyebrow. _

_ “Oh yeah, that!” Joohyun scurried to the front door until she stopped in her tracks. She rushed back to the booth that Seulgi was in. _

_ “Why’d you come back? Get ou -” She stopped midway in her words when Joohyun tilted Seulgi’s face toward hers with a quick motion and planted a soft peck on Seulgi’s cheek. With the sudden contact, Seulgi was acutely aware of how red and flushed the skin from her face to her neck was. She wasn’t sure whether it was because of the fever that was creeping upon her or Joohyun. Seulgi assumed it was both. _

_ “Thank you so much, Seul!” Those were Joohyun’s parting words as she finally left out the doors of the diner. _

_ Seulgi sat there dumbfounded. Something inside of her bloomed wildly and she couldn’t put a finger on what emotion it was. She lightly caressed the area of her cheek where Joohyun had kissed her and exhaled dreamily. _

_ (Yeah, she wasn’t ever forgetting this - the moment she knew she wouldn’t be able to let go of Bae Joohyun that easily.) _

**xxx**

_ In the daylight, Seulgi felt like an alien. She usually didn’t go out, having to get sleep for her shift, but today she decided that acting like an antisocial loser wasn’t on her bucket list. She was running on two full hours of sleep and five shots of pure espresso and she felt exhilarated. So much so that she even agreed to walk her neighbor Jisoo’s dog, much to her surprise. Seulgi pulled on her jacket, in case of any winds threatening to worsen her fever, and opened the door of her apartment. _

_ She was greeted with the sight of a rough-looking Jisoo, hair abundant in random cowlicks in even more random areas of her dark hair. She was wearing a bathrobe loosely tied at her waist and in her arms was Dalgom, the small devil that Seulgi had promised to walk. _

_ “Hey,” Jisoo rubbed her sleep-crusted eyes, “Thanks again, Seulgi.” _

_ “Don’t mention it,” Seulgi placed a hand on her shoulder, “Go back to sleep, will you? You look like one of the walking dead.” _

_ Jisoo weakly laughed, “I’ll make sure of it,” She handed Dalgom into Seulgi’s extended arms. “Have fun.” She nuzzled Dalgom’s small nose. _

_ Her expression turned serious for a split second and she placed a hand on Seulgi’s shoulder, “Be careful, okay?” she warned, “Make sure he always stays on his leash. You do not want to deal with a free-roaming Dalgom.” Seulgi nodded. _

_ Seulgi and Dalgom safely made it to the lobby of the apartment building and Seulgi noticed the bright sunshine outside. She contemplated going back and taking off her jacket but in the end, she settled with just tying the jacket’s sleeves to her waist. Stepping out, she realized the weather was hot and dry today, thankfully not humid. _

_ Setting Dalgom down on the sidewalk, being careful not to let go of him, Seulgi attached the leash to his collar and the two started their way to the park. Dalgom, kindly, was going at a steady pace so Seulgi wouldn’t get tired. _

_ They made it to the park and there were many other people there already, despite it being the early hours of the morning. Not knowing where to walk Dalgom, Seulgi just made endless rounds across the perimeter of the park. Muscles beginning to stiffen up, Seulgi, with Dalgom in tow, stumbled to the nearest bench she could reach. She slumped onto it, feeling like she weighed a million pounds and she breathed heavily. The person seated next to her was wearing sunglasses and didn’t seem to mind that Seulgi had practically stolen all the space on the bench. _

_ She peeped one eye open. She thought that the stranger wouldn’t mind but instead, she concernedly looked over to Seulgi. _

_ “Seulgi? What are you doing?” Seulgi lightly gasped at her voice. _

_ “Hey… Hyun,” She breathed out. “I’m just… laying here.” _

_ “Um, okay then.” Joohyun chuckled, “So what brings you here?” _

_ She looked around their vicinity but her gaze stopped at the small dog that sat on the ground in front of Seulgi. Joohyun shrieked loudly and suddenly clung onto Seulgi’s arm. Dalgom began barking wildly, but friendly. It seemed that Joohyun didn’t want any of it, though. _

_ “G-get it,” She wagged a finger at the energetic dog, “away from me!” _

_ Seulgi looked at her teasingly, “What? Oh, Dalgom?” _

_ Joohyun squeezed her arm even harder and Seulgi finally relented. “Dalgom, come here.” Seulgi picked up Dalgom and placed him down on her lap. _

_ “Is this your definition of away from me?” Joohyun hissed at her which made Seulgi snort. _

_ “Joohyun.” She tried holding in her laughter. _

_ “What?!” _

_ “Look at me,” She slowly turned her head. “This is Dalgom,” Seulgi took one of his paws and offered it to Joohyun. She shook her head violently. _

_ Seulgi bent down to face the dog, “Dalgomie, say hi!” He gave a cheerful bark. _

_ Joohyun calmed down and she was wary to accept Dalgom’s paw but eventually shook it. Soon after, Dalgom was already sitting on Joohyun’s lap, with her running fingers through his soft fur.  _

_ “I take it you’re not much of a dog person?” Seulgi raised an eyebrow _

_ “I’m not really an animal person in general,” Joohyun shrugged, “But I’ll have to make an exception this time. You are just too adorable!” She cooed as she scratched behind Dalgom’s ears. _

_ A strong breeze hit them as Dalgom began to squirm under Joohyun’s grasp, jumping into Seulgi’s arms instead. Seulgi’s head leaned back and she expected a big sneeze as she catapulted forward when it finally released, throwing her along with Dalgom off the wooden bench. _

_ “Whoa, was that the sneeze or the wind that blew you off?” Joohyun cackled. _

_ “I actually don’t even know,” Seulgi raised both her hands up in defeat. She rubbed her behind which had fallen in the tightly packed dirt and pulled herself back onto the bench. Joohyun rested her head on Seulgi’s shoulder. The sky above them began to darken, signaling the start of a summer storm. _

_ “I think we should head for cover,” Joohyun insisted, “I saw on The Weather Channel today-” _

_ Her eyes widened.“Wait, you still watch The Weather Channel? No one has done that in the past decade, Hyun!” Seulgi laughed. _

_ “Ugh, you know what I mean!” She sighed in exasperation. Both began to giggle uncontrollably. _

_ “Jeez, you old person. You remind me of my grandmother!” Joohyun lightheartedly hit Seulgi’s arm in her laughter. Seulgi pretended to pout to which Joohyun stopped laughing and opened her arms for Seulgi to snuggle in. She happily complied, and the two stayed there for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth. _

_ Seulgi breathed the same air that Joohyun did, her heart beating sporadically as the tip of her nose touched the pale skin of Joohyun’s neck. She laid her head on her shoulder, feeling some sort of warmth spreading through her body. The rain pit-patted at them, making Joohyun’s hair a little wet and disheveled. Seulgi didn’t deny the fact that she wanted to comb her fingers through it. To brush it and make it look better, of course. Nothing else. _

_ After a while, interrupting Seulgi’s half asleep/half awake state, Joohyun spoke urgently, “Seulgi. Seulgi, wake up!” She jabbed Seulgi’s side. _

_ “W-what? I was just getting comfortable.” Seulgi groaned. _

_ “No, it’s not that!” Joohyun sighed. “Dalgom. Where is he?” _

_ She blinked. “Dal… gom? Dalgom.” The words sounded foreign to her tongue, “Dalgom. Dalgom! Oh shit! Where’d that fluffy monster go?” Seulgi jolted out of Joohyun’s embrace and right back onto her feet. The wind howled and the grey clouds began to produce a drizzle, not enough to completely soak Seulgi, but enough to make her feel damp and somewhat sticky. _

_ “He couldn’t have gone far, right?” Joohyun assured, “A dog like that wouldn’t be able to roam farther than fifty feet off our perimeter.” _

_ Seulgi tried for a smile but it came out looking awkward and forced. “Well… I would like to think so, but Dalgom’s owner kind of personally warned me to never let him out of my sight?” She shrugged. _

_ Joohyun let out an exhale, “Now, you’ve done it, Kang Seulgi.” She rubbed her temples, “How about we split up? I’ll go left and you go right. If one of us finds him, text the other. Got it?” _

_ “Erm, uh, yeah.” Seulgi sputtered. _

_ “Great. See you in a little bit.” Joohyun sprinted out in her direction. _

**xxx**

_ Two drenched sets of clothes and an hour later, the girls lounged in the comfort of Seulgi’s apartment living room, on a small couch that the two had to squeeze in together to make room for each other. Dalgom had already been returned to his sleepy owner, fur cleanly washed and blow dried. When giving him back, Jisoo had offered to pay, but Seulgi politely declined, even though the money would’ve really helped. Joohyun, who had come along with her, was eyed suspiciously by Jisoo. They parted with Jisoo and Dalgom before it got too awkward.  _

_ Seulgi and Joohyun were under a massive blanket, courtesy of Seulgi, who had gotten even more feverish due to their excursion in the downpour. Since Joohyun’s clothes had gotten wet as well, she was wearing one of Seulgi’s old sweatshirts, which swallowed her small frame and made her seem like a small child. Joohyun had an arm around Seulgi’s shoulders because the latter had complained of being too cold and that the blanket was of no use.  _

_ Seulgi coughed so powerfully that her shoulders shook in Joohyun’s hold. Her grip on her shoulder became firmer and Seulgi steadied herself against Joohyun.  _

_ “Is this fever from me?” Joohyun leaned in and placed a hand on Seulgi’s forehead to check her temperature. She was so, so close. _

_ Seulgi resisted the urge to scoot in closer to further take in Joohyun’s alluring scent. Instead, she backed up a little. “I-I guess so? You and mother nature.” She smiled nervously. _

_ Joohyun’s hand which had previously been resting on Seulgi’s bicep reached up and began to stroke her dark hair. “Sorry, Seul. I’ll make you feel better!” Joohyun sprung onto Seulgi’s frail form and wrapped both arms around her, almost suffocating the younger girl. Seulgi giggled and she intended to playfully push Joohyun away but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Being engulfed in Joohyun’s arms felt so nice, so right. Seulgi laid her head on Joohyun’s chest. _

_ “You should get some rest, you know that?” Joohyun chin was on top of Seulgi’s head, and Seulgi finally became aware of their close proximity and began to blush. She took a long inhale and attempted to engrave Joohyun’s fragrance into her brain. “The fever could be cured by sleep.”  _

I could honestly be cured by you as well,  _ Seulgi considered,  _ You seem to make everything alright.

_ And with that thought, Seulgi drifted off into a deep slumber in her feverish state. _

**xxx**

_ Seulgi woke up to her loud ringtone that was sounding from the coffee table. She looked to her side, hoping to see another sleeping form beside her but to no avail. Joohyun had already left and in her place was a little sticky-note. Seulgi decided to read it later, wanting to go back to sleep, but her noisy phone hindered her goal. She tried to ignore it but the ringing seem endless. Seulgi eventually had to answer it and when she got up, she grunted from annoyance and reluctantly picked up the phone. The call screen read that it was her manager from the diner and Seulgi hastily tapped the green button. _

_ “H-hello?” She said. _

_ “Good evening, Seulgi!” her manager Taeyeon exclaimed in an all-too-happy voice given the current hour. “Sorry for calling so late, you must already be on your way to the diner. Your schedule and shifts for this week have been cleared, Tiffany finally came back from her vacation.” _

_ “Oh, that’s great!” Seulgi exclaimed. _

_ “I mean, you don’t really have to work here anymore… you  _ were  _ just covering for Tiffany.” An awkward silence took place after that phrase, “Shit, I didn’t mean it like that! You’re welcome to come back if you want!” Taeyeon saved herself. _

_ “It’s fine, I was in need of some days off, anyway. Now, I have every day off,” Seulgi quickly assured a flustered Taeyeon. _

_ “You sure?” Seulgi could sense the worried expression that Taeyeon was giving her even through the phone. _

_ “I’m sure.” Seulgi laughed. _

_ “Okay, then. Take care, Seulgi.” _

_ “You too,” Seulgi hit the red button and tucked her phone away into her hoodie’s front pocket. She directed her attention to the pink sticky-note that was plastered onto the place where Joohyun had laid. Seulgi curiously detached it from the backrest of the couch and inspected it carefully with the light coming from her dim lamp in the corner of the living room. Joohyun’s neat handwriting was written on it. “Dear Seulgi,” it read, “Please make sure to get enough sleep or the fever will get worse! I wouldn’t want to hang out with a lifeless, diseased zombie.” Seulgi could almost hear Joohyun’s mocking tone through her words and smiled at that. “Just kidding, feel better, Seul. Don’t hesitate to call me if you want anything, and that includes cuddles if you need any! Get better soon! I promise that I will always be here with you (even if I’m not.) I’ll never leave you.” When Seulgi finished the note, she found herself grinning ear-to-ear. Her mouth was beginning to sore but she didn’t really care. Seulgi wondered that if she actually called for cuddles if Joohyun would come. _

_ (She would and would offer anything Seulgi needed. She held Joohyun to her promise of always being with her. But what Seulgi didn’t understand was that Joohyun could never Seulgi gift her with what she truly wanted.) _

**xxx**

_ Finally flicking off her bedroom lights, tucking herself into bed, and fluffing her pillows, Seulgi was determined to get her first good night’s sleep in a while. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her body was relaxed but her mind was running wild. She tried calming it down, counting sheep and whatnot, but it wasn’t working. Seulgi assumed that it was because this was the first time she went to bed and she wasn’t exhausted from work. Also, sleeping during the actual night didn’t help; it threw off her inner nocturnal. _

_ She reopened her eyes and stared at the white ceiling. She imagined what it would feel like to cuddle with Joohyun in bed, giving and receiving small kisses as they fell victim to the night; drifting off to sleep. Seulgi could see Joohyun nuzzled into the crook of her neck, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, and arms wrapped around Seulgi’s waist as the two spooned. Her heart skyrocketed right up inside her chest when she pictured it, butterflies soaring madly in her stomach. _

_ Seulgi snapped out of her mini reverie when she realized what she was thinking. She mildly panicked and leaned against her bed. She turned on the bedside lamp and sucked in a breath through closed teeth. She sat in the silence for a bit, listening to her heart pounding and the ceiling fan whirling above, contemplating what to do or feel next. _

_ Grabbing her phone from her nightstand, Seulgi sent a quick message to someone she knew she could trust in situations such as these. _

[3:17 am] Seul: I need your advice, Sooyoung.

_ A full minute passed by until Seulgi would receive a reply back. Her phone chimed and she checked back eagerly. _

[3:18 am] Sooyoungie: Yeah? At three am? Sure, go on right ahead, your sage is listening.

_ Seulgi rolled her eyes so hard she thought they might’ve popped out of their sockets. _

[3:18 am] Seul: Okay really not in the mood.

[3:19 am] Sooyoungie: Then what kind of mood are you in at the devil’s hour, you weirdo? 

_ Seulgi grimaced; she had been fantasizing for that long? She wondered if Sooyoung was really the right person to talk to. _

[3:19 am] Seul: So. You’re lesbian. 

_ Seulgi finally sent those three words after a few times of deleting and rewriting. _

[3:20 am] Sooyoungie: Going right into it huh? Ye, so? I’m in a very happy relationship with Yerim so don’t even think of trying to snatch me. Not that you would, idk your sexual preferences.

[3:20 am] Seul: That’s the thing... 

[3:20 am] Sooyoungie: wait

[3:20 am] Seul: I dont think im completely straight...

[3:20 am] Sooyoungie: oh. is she pretty??

[3:21 am] Seul: beyond gorgeous, like god made her to be perfect

[3:21 am] Sooyoungie: how does she make you feel?

[3:25 am] Seul: Joohyun makes me feel like conquering the world with just one smile that she gives me. She makes my heart flutter and sends it on a marathon so whenever I see her, I feel like the air has been knocked out of my lungs, in a good way of course. Everytime I look at her, I have to check my pulse to make sure I haven’t died yet. It’s not just her looks either. It’s the way she’s so caring and sweet. She took care of me when i was sick and even though she was the cause of it, it was still nice. I look into her eyes and see my home and a source of comfort. I see as well a future where i’m living happily with her.

[3:40 am] Sooyoungie: well. The best thing for you to do, in my opinion, is to just tell her. As soon as possible, too. Take the risk, take the chance, because you’ll never know when she might slide out of your life. Goodbyes and farewells are inevitable, but this could prevent it for the time being. But please, do not get your hopes and expectations up. That’s the worst feeling ever, having your heart at its peak of happiness only to have it fall from a height greater than from mount everest down to the mariana trench. It hurts, seulgi, not that I’m a reliable source, but you have to trust me on this. If you believe enough that joohyun reciprocates the feelings you have for her, then why not just tell her? I’ve already described the worst case scenario and I doubt it’ll happen. So good luck seulgi and please, please, tell her.

_ Seulgi was reminded of how sometimes Sooyoung would have these sudden moments of wisdom and empathy. She was thankful that she came to her. Sooyoung always pulled through in the end anyway. Seulgi received the advice with care. _

_ (She understood at the moment what was going to take place next. But she really should’ve taken an excerpt of Sooyoung’s speech a little more seriously - the part where she distinctly instructed Seulgi to keep her expectations low.) _

**xxx**

_ Joohyun came over to Seulgi’s apartment one morning on a weekend. Seulgi hadn’t been expecting her, not having sent a warning text that she was dropping by. When Seulgi opened the door, she was still dressed in her jammies and had not brushed her teeth yet, so she was completely mortified in front of a fully dressed and makeup applied Joohyun. Seulgi may have stared for a bit too long, for Joohyun cleared her throat uncomfortably. She came back to her senses and quickly ushered Joohyun into her cozy home. _

_ “Hey, Joohyun,” Seulgi tried to sound as casual as possible. “What brings you here?” _

_ Joohyun threw her purse onto the living room couch and leaped onto it, slowing sinking as the worn out fabric gave away to her form. She sighed contently and looked up at Seulgi. _

_ “Am I not allowed to be here? Sorry, if I’m intruding on anything. But looks like nothing’s going on right now,” Joohyun eyes scaled up and down Seulgi’s pajama-clad figure. _

_ Seulgi looked down in embarrassment, small bangs covering her eyes. “Well, who even is dressed up at 8 am in the morning?” Seulgi retorted. _

_ “You’re just proving my point,” Joohyun gestured to her outfit, “I am.” _

_ “Whatever. Why are you here?” Seulgi was careful to say it in the nicest manner possible. _

_ “I don’t know, I just felt like coming over,” Joohyun held out her arms for Seulgi to join her on the couch. Seulgi was sheepish but ended up with Joohyun anyway. _

_ Joohyun released a soft exhale onto Seulgi’s neck, and the younger girl was holding her breath, in case of letting out any unpleasant sound from her already quivering lips. When she couldn’t hold it any longer, she exhaled raggedly and unevenly, much to Joohyun’s surprise. _

_ “Are you alright, Seul?” Joohyun hauled herself up to face Seulgi on the other side. _

_ “O-oh, I’m fine!” Seulgi turned the opposite direction and put a hand up, in order to cover her face which was beginning to turn a burning red. _

_ “Sure then,” Joohyun laughed, her face buried in Seulgi’s unwashed dark locks. It made the hairs on the back of Seulgi’s neck stand up and she didn’t know if she could handle any more of this.  _

_ Standing up, she looked at an obviously confused Joohyun and spoke, “I need to go wash up, now. I’ll be right back!” Seulgi pointed frantically in the direction of her bathroom and started to hurry there. _

_ “Okay, Seul!” Joohyun yelled at the younger girl’s back. _

_ When Seulgi got to the bathroom, she rapidly turned the doorknob and lurched in. She shut the door with a loud slam and her fingers fumbled to lock said door. She got the lock fastened, and then leaned on the door, slowly sliding down onto the floor as she reflected on the little conversation that ended with Seulgi making a run for it. She cupped her own face with her hands and looked absentmindedly at the space in front of her. Seulgi just wanted to stay in here forever, not deal with any problems on the outside that would come back to bite her.  _

_ But she remembered Sooyoung’s words. She couldn’t just let an opportunity like this out of her grasp. Seulgi had to tell her eventually, even if the response was negative. Joohyun’s lips looked so soft, Seulgi wanted to kiss them so badly. Holding her hand to her erratic heartbeat, she believed it could’ve hammered out of her chest entirely. Feeling a new source of energy running through her, Seulgi opened the bathroom door and started out for the living room. _

_ Joohyun was still sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone randomly. Seulgi staggered in and Joohyun glanced up confusedly at her. _

_ “You’re not dressed yet,” Joohyun’s eyebrow shot up, “Why are you back now?” _

_ “I have a question for you,” Seulgi said as she sat down beside Joohyun. _

_ “Yeah?” Joohyun looked visibly concerned, making a move to place her hand on Seulgi’s thigh, which was practically bare, only for the small pajama shorts she was currently wearing. _

_ Seulgi flinched away from her touch, making Joohyun look a little hurt. But Seulgi took Joohyun’s hand in hers and stared into her eyes. _

_ “Hyun, you know how you promised that you would always be here with me?” _

_ “Yes, and no matter what.” Joohyun squeezed Seulgi’s hand a little tighter. _

_ “U-um I-I,” Seulgi stuttered. She hated herself, why now of all the times that she couldn’t speak? _

_ “It’s alright,” Joohyun gave her a reassuring smile, “Take it slow.” _

_ “Okay,” Seulgi took a deep breath, “Sorry, the words aren’t coming out.” _

If words aren’t working, then actions might as well be my last resort,  _ Seulgi thought. _

_ She contemplated whether what she was going to do next was sensible. But her heart wasn’t offering any other option. _

_ Seulgi gazed into Joohyun’s eyes and lunged in forward. Joohyun’s expression changed from care to shock in a millisecond. But Seulgi still went in for the kiss, unable to control her emotions. Just before Seulgi reached her pink lips, Joohyun turned away at the last second, so Seulgi kissed her pale cheek instead. Joohyun’s eyes were shut, face wearing a look of alarm. Seulgi lingered on Joohyun’s cheek awkwardly then finally pulled away from the discomfort. _

_ “Seulgi, I-” Joohyun stiffened. _

_ “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry,” Seulgi mumbled lowly, tears beginning to well up in her eyes. _

_ “You do understand, right?” Joohyun’s voice was soft yet firm, “We’re girls. We shouldn’t do this.” _

_ “Yes, I do. I just really like you, Hyun.” Seulgi’s voice cracked. _

_ “Seulgi, I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression. I’m really sorry but I don’t like you that way. I like what we are right now: friends. I’m flattered that you could think of me like this but I can’t think that way for you as well.” Joohyun let go of Seulgi’s hand. _

_ “I-it’s fine. I’m wrong anyway,” Seulgi wiped away a stray tear that was falling down her cheek. “Like always,” she muttered so quietly that Joohyun couldn’t hear her. “You should go, Bae Joohyun,” she said while taking in a labored breath. _

_ She was startled at the mention of her full name coming from Seulgi but still stood up. “Yeah, I think I should, too,” She looked down at Seulgi, whose head was drooping down to face the floor. “I’m sorry.” _

_ Not even lifting her head up to look at Joohyun, Seulgi knew she had already left by the slam of her apartment door. Now finally alone, Seulgi allowed herself to cry. She sobbed and sobbed hard, feeling like her heart would just implode on itself. It felt like it actually did, her heart fell to the ground and shattered into a million pieces that could never be reconnected again. _

_ (Why did it hurt so much? Why?) _

**xxx**

_ Seulgi spent the next two weeks of her heartbreak in the comfort of her small apartment. Swaddled up in many blankets, which included the one that she and Joohyun shared, she binge-watched all the dramas she could come across. At the very least, she thought, the characters she watched onscreen could have their happy ending, unlike her situation right now.  _

_ Sooyoung visited her one day, on a particularly sunny afternoon. Seulgi hadn’t planned to go out, like the rest of her uneventful week. Sooyoung rapped her knuckles on the door of her apartment, startling Seulgi. She let herself in, making Seulgi surprised but then realized that she had forgotten to lock the door. Sooyoung strolled in, taking in the state of Seulgi’s blanket and tissue filled abode. She made a beeline for Seulgi’s couch, sitting down and forcing the older girl to scoot over to provide her room. She stretched out her legs, placing them on the coffee table in front and crossing her arms over her chest. _

_ “What’re you watching?” Sooyoung asked, making herself even more comfortable on the couch. _

_ “A drama,” Seulgi said boredly. _

_ “What’s it about?” Sooyoung turned around to face her, a look of pity apparent on her. _

_ “I don’t have a clue.” She said not looking at Sooyoung but instead just kept her eyes mindlessly glued to the television screen. Seulgi knew that she was trying to make friendly conversation to get her to open up, but Seulgi also knew that it wasn’t natural for Sooyoung to do these types of things. She was more of a straightforward and candid person. _

_ “Do you want me to elaborate to you about what happened? I already told you everything, there’s nothing to talk about.” Seulgi snapped. _

_ “If you don’t want to, it’s okay. Sorry,” Sooyoung’s expression dimmed. She removed her feet from the table and tucked them in, her arms wrapped around her legs. _

_ Seulgi noticed Sooyoung’s demeanor and got closer to her, “Hey, it’s fine. I know you’re trying to help. Just being yourself will do. Don’t try to play investigator on me.” _

_ “Y-yeah.” Sooyoung brightened up. “What am I doing? I’m supposed to be comforting you!” She cradled her face in her hands. _

_ Seulgi started laughing. Sooyoung’s head whipped up to look at her. “Hey, I made you laugh!” She giggled. _

_ “Ah, you did, you dork.” Seulgi put an arm tightly around Sooyoung. _

_ “Aren’t you bored of being here? I’d be, there’s nothing to do here but watch TV, I know you have books and you like to read, but I don’t and honestly, this apartment that you call cozy is a little crowded, maybe you should clean up a bit, and tidy some things here and there because you never know when some guests might come unexpectedly, take for example me, I showed up to this dump and you were still wearing your pajamas, I know it’s normal for us, but if someone else came in, it wouldn’t bode well for your reputation, because first impressions always count!” Sooyoung rambled on and on, taking a deep breath. Before she could exhale, though, Seulgi held up her pointer finger to Sooyoung’s lips, stopping her rant. _

_ “Okay, I get it that you want me to go out. But where would we even  _ go _?” Seulgi stressed the last word. _

_ “I think I know a place,” Sooyoung said, a smile creeping up onto her features. _

_ “Yeah? Where?” Seulgi asked in disbelief. _

_ “Taeyeon-unnie misses us,” Sooyoung said lowly, almost inaudible. _

_ “What?” Seulgi leaned in closer, not hearing her the first time. _

_ Sooyoung cupped her hands to her mouth and surged forward near Seulgi’s ear and screeched, “WE SHOULD GO BACK TO THE DINER BECAUSE TAEYEON-UNNIE MISSES US, YOU DEAF NERD!” _

_ Seulgi flew backward, covering her left ear, “You brat,” she muttered under her breath. _

_ “Will you go, will you go?” Sooyoung pressed up against Seulgi’s back which was turned. _

_ “Dammit, I will! Just calm down!” Seulgi tried to ease the younger girl, restraining her bubbliness by placing a firm hand on her shoulder. _

_ “Oh, sorry,” Sooyoung said, obviously a lot quieter. “Go get dressed, I’ll send Taeyeon-unnie a text about us stopping by.” _

_ Seulgi nodded and flicked the TV off with the remote control. She grabbed a blanket from the couch and bundled herself up with it while walking to her bedroom. “Be back in 10,” she told Sooyoung. _

_ “Okay!” She responded excitedly, standing up with her blanket and beginning to fold it, an attempt to clean up the area. _

**xxx**

_ Once she was in Sooyoung’s car, she knew it was a bad idea. Something in her gut told her to go back, don’t come out of the house, and it’ll be better for you. Her stomach started to feel queasy and she gripped her white tee near her stomach, trying to withstand the churning inside. Her clammy fingers traced circles on different areas of the knee of her dark jeans, and she glanced over at Sooyoung. _

_ “Hey, is there any chance we could just go back to the apartment and watch a movie?” Seulgi tried to say, “I heard some new movies came out on Netflix today.” _

_ Sooyoung laughed, “If that’s your excuse, it’s not a very good one.” _

_ Seulgi shook her head, “No, it’s just that I have a bad feeling about this, I don’t think I should be out.” Her toes inside her black boots curled up; even they knew she shouldn’t go. _

_ “That’s your introvert speaking, but now I’m speaking instead so listen to me!” She pointed her finger at her chest.  _

_ Seulgi sighed, knowing that she wouldn’t win. She swallowed down the conscience in her head telling her otherwise and clicked in her seatbelt, leaning into the seat. A small voice speaking to her still pleaded, but she ignored it as Sooyoung started the engine of the car. _

**xxx**

_ Screeching to a stop in front of the diner, Sooyoung glanced at Seulgi, “Do you want to be dropped off or come to find a parking space with me?” _

_ Seulgi grimaced, knowing far-too-well that parking spaces in this lot were rare and almost impossible to spot. So to avoid an hour looking for them, Seulgi declined. _

_ “Wow, supportive of you, huh? Leaving me to park the car,” Sooyoung teased and pretended to be hurt, “No, no, don’t even look at me,” She turned her face from Seulgi and put up a hand, “You don’t deserve it.” _

_ Seulgi giggled and smacked Sooyoung playfully through the car window and the former shrieked, “Ouch! Whatever, byeeeee,” Sooyoung said as she drove off to find a parking spot. _

_ After she left, Seulgi suddenly felt the anxiety creep up and suffocate her. She took short breaths and began walking toward the diner doors, curious of why she was feeling like that. The feeling was soon washed away when she caught sight of Taeyeon, beaming at her invitingly through the cleanly washed diner windows. Seulgi grinned back at her brightly and quickly went into the diner. _

_ “Hey, I was expecting you.” Taeyeon hugged her when Seulgi came close enough. _

_ Seulgi squealed, “I missed you!” _

_ “Missed you too, kiddo,” Taeyeon chuckled. “I haven’t seen you in a while, how is everything?” _

_ Seulgi’s face dropped and became more somber but she hid it by replying, “It’s great, everything’s great!” _

_ If Taeyeon noticed she didn’t show it, but just raised an eyebrow at Seulgi’s regularly adorable self as she ushered Seulgi to sit down at a booth while she went to check on a customer that was calling for her. _

_ Seulgi sat silently in the booth, twiddling her thumbs as she waited patiently for Taeyeon. They hadn’t seen each other for a long time now, ever since Seulgi ran the diner for two months. The two had a lot to catch up on, and Seulgi was excited to tell her. Definitely not everything, though.  _

_ She scanned the diner, seeing that Taeyeon had tidied it up since Seulgi worked here. Looking at the customers, they overflowed the place, eating away happily at their food as sadness ate away at Seulgi. There came back the feeling, stronger than ever now. Seulgi tried not to succumb to it, going back to viewing the other customers. They were all happy and content, she knew of it. _

_ While taking in her surroundings of the diner people, her moving set of eyes stopped at a familiar back of dark brown hair, gracefully falling down her slim form. She and her hands were talking animatedly at the other girl who was seated across from her, listening intently and laughing along. The other girl was pretty, Seulgi would admit that, with big eyes and a cheerful smile. She must’ve said something comical, making the brunette seated parallel to her burst into a fit of laughter, resting her head down on the table as her shoulders shook. She then was aware of the scene she was causing and looked around apologetically at the other confused diners. _

_ The companion took a large bite of her meatball sub, excess marinara dripping on her chin. The brunette laughed once more, this time around noticeably quieter. She stood up from her seat and hunched over the table. Extending her arm out, she used her thumb to wipe away the sauce. _

_ Seulgi felt a twinge of jealousy as she scrunched her brows together, just looking at how ecstatic they were. She cocked her head to the side to get a better view when the laughing brunette’s lively eyes unexpectedly met with Seulgi’s bleak ones. The inhale that Seulgi had taken before that was hindered as the air inside her lungs felt like they had been sucker-punched out. She held her breath as the sense of familiarity the girl radiated hit her like a five-ton metal wrecking ball. _

_ “Hyun,” Seulgi whispered into the air, waves of nausea and sadness drowning her. _

_ Joohyun’s facial expression was blank, Seulgi couldn’t tell what she was feeling - would she be going through the same thing as Seulgi?  _

_ The smile that had once been on her face was replaced with a more visible frown as Joohyun seemed to stare straight inside Seulgi. The burning eyes that had once felt comforting to her became unknown and antagonistic. The other girl with Joohyun seemed to observe as she ceased to continue her anecdote, stopping to turn her concerned face toward Joohyun. But she didn’t care and kept looking at Seulgi with whatever emotion that was still left within her.   _

_ Seulgi’s body and mind felt numb, all sorts of feelings attacking it inside and out. Her head lolled back and forth a little bit, but Seulgi forced it to stay still, because she was not, not here, not now, and not ever, going to show Joohyun that she was hurting. Easier said than done, though, because she felt like going to the bathroom just to vomit her guts out at the hostile beauty staring back at her. _

_ Hands shaking and entire being trembling, Seulgi stood up rapidly, getting even more nauseated from the sudden force and gravity that her body had been put through. She steadied herself on the booth’s backseat, determined to get out of the diner before she would have a breakdown.  _

_ Joohyun saw that Seulgi had gotten up and mimicked her action by standing up as well, confusing her companion. Not wanting any unwanted attention shining on her like a spotlight, Seulgi rushed out of the diner before anything could be said or done by both parties of the conflict. _

_ Unfortunately, the dizzied girl did not notice Joohyun trailing just behind her. When Seulgi opened the door she went out and before it could fully shut, Joohyun sleazed out. Seulgi was hit with a breath of fresh air, momentarily relieving her nausea. Only for her to turn around and see the source of all her pain and distress did it come back rebounding twice as hard. _

_ Joohyun bit her lip, “Hello,” she greeted softly. _

_ The floodgates holding back all the waters of her emotions completely swung open at the simple word. Her mind befuddled, Seulgi didn’t know what to say or feel. But she did know that the first emotion that came at her forcefully was anger. _

_ Seulgi scoffed, “Hello, yeah, hello. What a way to greet someone that you completely fell for and also loathe, right? What do I say in return? How about ‘how are you doing?’, would that work for you? Because nothing I do seemed to work for you.” _

_ Joohyun’s meek look became a foul one when she sneered, “Are you blaming this on me? It’s not my fault that you fell for me, okay? This is all on you.” _

_ Seulgi almost laughed at her supposed truth. Almost. She responded with more passion this time, “Me? Always me, isn’t it? The one who first met you and who socialized with you, the one ran into you and invited you to stay over, the one who gradually began to fall in love with you, the one who raised the bar of her hopes way higher than needed, only to have it fall to the ground. Yes, the one who got rejected. By who? You. It’s always been you, the person to make me feel like I’m the only one in the world when she’s looking at me and in the next moment she’s ignoring me and making me feel like complete and utter shit.” _

_ Joohyun coldly laughed, “One to exaggerate? I should’ve known to stay away from people like you. Going by your flawed logic, then I’m not the only one who’s been completely two-faced in this. When I first met you, you were the sweetest angel that I’ve ever had the chance to meet. But seeing you now, like this, I realize not. You’re just a lying coward who hides their true feelings. The saying goes, ‘sin is sweet in the beginning but bitter in the end.’”  _

_ Seulgi glared, “Hide my true feelings? Am I a lying coward? Listen to yourself, you obnoxious hypocrite!  _ I  _ was the one to confess how I felt, not you.  _ I  _ was also the one to stay while you ran away from me, unable to accept me. I clearly remember you explicitly stating that we’re both girls like that had anything to do with it. Are you disgusted by that? Is it some sort of taboo? Maybe you had a change of heart, seeing you with that girl in the diner. Say, who is she? Were you able to find someone else to replace me that fast already? _

_ Joohyun’s posture hardened as she spat back, “That is none of your business.  _ All  _ of this is none of your business. I have a life outside of you. I am not just yours, and yours only. Why are you so possessive? It’s not like we had anything special going on. You do not own me. Whatever I do or think when I’m not around you is my personal life, which you do not come into. So when Seungwan and I hang out, you will not enter in, because you made it clear you wanted me to leave. And I did. Does that satisfy you? Does it, Seulgi?” _

_ Seulgi’s lip began to quiver and she wished it would stop. All the pain, heartbreak, anguish - just for it to end. No, it didn’t satisfy her. It did the polar opposite, making her hunger and thirst for more of Joohyun that she knew she could never appease. Her rush of anger starting to dissipate, Seulgi went silent, running in her brain the number of possible options of what to respond with. _

_ She should’ve said that it did satisfy her. That she was glad that her one-sided lover had finally rid herself from her life and was actually willing to stay away. Seulgi would finally feel free and be released from the handcuffs which were her attraction to Joohyun. She could gain that freedom with only a few words, something that along the lines of her rebuffing the older girl. But the stubborn words wouldn’t allow themselves to come out so easily. They were stuck in her throat, threatening to cut off her passage of air very soon.  _

_ She balled up her fists in frustration, the feeling not even directed at Joohyun anymore, but to her. Why couldn’t she make up her mind? It was simple, to come back with a clever and witty line and see Joohyun’s reaction. To gain a feeling of satisfaction from the other girl’s humiliation. But Seulgi wasn’t heartless. She wished she were. But she wasn’t and couldn’t bring herself to inflict the pain she was feeling onto Joohyun. Seulgi couldn’t bear to do that to the girl she loved. _

_ The girl she loved. The girl she gave everything to, without ever realizing she did. Her heart, her soul, her mind, her body,  _ everything. _ Joohyun had her everything, but Seulgi didn’t ever have anything of Joohyun’s. A gift and receive situation, just without the gifting or receiving on one side of the party. The Giving Tree is what Seulgi associated herself with. Only that this wasn’t a children’s illustrated book. _

_ Seulgi grit her teeth and clenched her fists even harder, making her knuckles turn a pale and ghostly white. She became aware of where she was looking and it happened to be right into Joohyun’s soft eyes. Those big brown voids that threatened to recapture Seulgi were now not radiating anger but sympathy. It was sympathy for the poor girl who was situated in front of her, unable to get coherent words out of herself without stuttering.  _

_‘I promise I will always be here with you… I’ll never leave you,’_ _those words which were written on a sticky note in haste meant the most to Seulgi. Looking into Joohyun’s dim orbs, Seulgi felt a conflicting rush of emotions once more._

Do I hate you or do I love you? I hate you with the passion of a thousand burning suns and in the next moment, I love you with that same passion, matched to the exact degree. _ Seulgi thought,  _ Please don’t do anything more, Joohyun, I know myself that I will be trapped within you again.

_ That was it, the older girl didn’t realize the kind of effect she had on the other girl. Every time she flashed one of her dazzling signature smiles, even if Seulgi tried to distance herself, she would fall for her. Like a desperate butterfly flapping its wings trying to get away from the butterfly net, she would get caught in the net and struggle to escape while also simultaneously getting a feeling of vivacity from it. _

_ A long period of time must’ve passed by for Joohyun to clear her throat, Seulgi reclaiming her consciousness. “I’m going back inside, now. Have a nice rest of the day, Seulgi.” Joohyun said as she pushed the entrance door and went back inside. The last statement that she had said didn’t seem friendly but it also didn’t seem aloof and distant. Maybe they were back to square one - the one in which they were strangers.  _

_ Seulgi ran her clammy hands through her hair, head tilting upward to look at the sky above her. Tears began to collect in her eyes, not falling because Seulgi was forcing them not to. Her vision was becoming blurrier by the second but Seulgi did not give in. Not until did she hear a familiar voice running up closer to her, calling for her. Seulgi turned to face the source and saw Sooyoung, arms waving wildly in the air which Seulgi guessed was because she finally found a parking space.  _

_ Upon closer inspection from Sooyoung’s side, she noticed the tears that had rolled down Seulgi’s cheeks, which she had been trying to hide, and the upbeat air surrounding her faded. Sooyoung seemed to be speaking to Seulgi, her mouth moving to form words. But Seulgi couldn’t hear them. Her whole being was numb and sluggish, everything was moving in what looked like slow-motion. Knowing that Sooyoung had already seen her crying, Seulgi closed the distance between them and crushed the younger girl’s body with a hug, sobbing onto her shoulder. Sooyoung’s hands immediately went up to Seulgi’s back, in an attempt to comfort the girl. It only made it worse for Seulgi, reminding her of how Joohyun’s hugs used to be just like that. _

_ “You’ll be fine, you’ll be fine,” Sooyoung said on repeat while rubbing Seulgi’s back, “You have to be.” _

_ “Do you want to go back?” Sooyoung asked delicately, taking Seulgi’s hand in hers. _

_ Seulgi gave a weak nod and laid her head on Sooyoung’s shoulder again. Seulgi trudged behind slightly, letting her friend lead her through the endless maze of cars until they could finally spot the small area where Sooyoung had been miraculously able to park. The space would go to waste, though, as the girls were leaving as soon as they had come to the diner. _

_ Seulgi’s sobbing became a little lighter after Sooyoung’s caring words and actions. Her cries had been diminished to slight whimpering and hyperventilating.  _

_ “Let’s go home, then,” Sooyoung whispered tenderly. She let go of Seulgi’s hand and opened the shotgun door of the car for her. Seulgi listlessly climbed in and onto the seat with Sooyoung closing the car door. _

**xxx**

**Present**

Her phone chimed in response to a text that Seulgi had received. She snapped out of her flashback and took her phone in her hands. She looked at the lockscreen and saw that a message had been sent from Joohyun to her and the text itself wasn’t showing unless Seulgi unlocked her phone. So with shaking hands, she typed the letters of her custom password and it brought her to the homescreen. Seulgi was hesitant to click on the messaging app, seeing the red bubble with a one on the corner, signifying an unread message. 

She held her breath as she clicked on it, giving the app a few seconds to load as she mentally calmed herself. A few seconds that meant an eternity to an anticipating Seulgi. The app looked frozen until it finally came back to life, and Seulgi released the breath she had taken. Seulgi tapped into her chat with Joohyun that had long since been stagnant after their fight. Right until Seulgi decided to message her today. The cause of it? Seulgi didn’t really comprehend or understand it herself, but she wanted to be able to feel what it was like to be with Joohyun again, even if it meant sacrificing her pride to be able to talk to her.

Seulgi reread through the entirety of their chat history before being able to look at the new message. She couldn’t bring herself to look at it. All the memories, she was reliving them through the text exchanges between her and Joohyun. Simple things like asking each other how their day was to full on conversations about things that interested each other. She kept on reading until she reached an abrupt stop around the mark of two months ago; the time of the fight. 

There was a complete break of their texts there and it skipped to the next message that was sent from Seulgi’s side around three hours ago today.

_ [1:20pm] Seul: hey. _

_ [1:23 pm] Seul: how are you? _

_ [1:24 pm] damn this is awkward… i’ll skip all the polite stuff ig _

_ [1:32 pm] I miss you. I miss you a lot. Honestly. I miss you, your likeable personality, your bright smile, your cute laugh, your adorable bad habits, your calming presence. You don’t know how much it hurts to be without you, it hurts a ton. Pardon my usage of words but holy shit, hyun, you were my world. Even after our fight, you still are my world. I don’t know whether that’s a good or bad thing, but as of right now, I don’t regret my feelings. Speaking of feelings, you may blame me for ruining our friendship. But I couldn’t control myself, really. It’s like I’m not the one in control of my emotions, I just do what I want without any second thoughts when I’m with you. I follow my gut instinct which tells me to just take a chance and risk with you. I thought it was right, but now I’m assuming it’s wrong. My brain fed me some other advice contrary to my instincts and it was more sensible- to be careful around you. I felt safe with you, hyun, you were my peaceful refuge from the raging storm outside, my escape from reality. I was so happy with only a few moments with you, it’s insane. You also hurt me, and a lot, for that matter. But I didn’t even realize that I was falling for you even harder and harder and that the final fall would not be cushioned nor soft. I don’t regret that happening, though. I never will. I just hope for us to have a second chance? I know we won’t be as close as we were before, I accept that, but could we at least be mutuals? I long for you, Joohyun. As you once wrote, ‘I promise that I will always be here with you’ and ‘I’ll never leave you.’  I expect you to keep promises, please. Don’t go, Joohyun. _

_ [4:54 pm] Hyun: I’m dating someone now and I’m really happy with her. She loves me and I love her back. Trying to put you back in my life would be like trying to fit mismatched puzzle pieces together- it won’t work. So I wish you the best. We both know that I can’t finish your favor that easily. This was inevitable, our parting. Don’t expect things out of me. I’m sorry. _

_ [4:55 pm] Hyun: Goodbye, Seulgi. I have to go.  _

Seulgi’s eyes ran over the same patch of text multiple times to count. Every time it finished reading again, more tears would well up in her eyes. Without even having to analyze the text, Seulgi already understood it. It told her to leave, to get out of Joohyun’s life, as she was no longer needed. 

She closed her phone and threw it on her bed, the piece of complicatedly-wired metal bouncing up and down on the springs of the bed until coming to a rest. Seulgi crumbled onto the floor, tucking her knees into her arms and cradling herself. She felt the salty water coming from her eyes and rolling down onto her knees. Her heart was there with her on the floor, too. Shattered.

That’s when Seulgi knew.

She really had to let go of Bae Joohyun.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, hello there! Did you finish reading? If you read through the entirety of this messy oneshot I wanna thank you so much! I wrote most of this when it was 2 am and I was curled up in my bed typing up words on my computer so please don't mind the mistakes and whatnot. I'm really open comments and constructive criticism so leave some if you would like to! God, I love Red Velvet so much.


End file.
